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Death.....

My parents divorced when I was 2. My dad used to come see me..but then one day, when I was 3, he stopped coming. I didn't know until many years later that my maternal grandfather had taken my father aside and told him that it might be best for everyone if he just didn't come around anymore....so, he didn't.

My father and I were estranged until my paternal grandmother was dying.

I was 26.

My father and I spent time together while my grandmother was in ICU, we talked and talked....about ourselves, about each other, about life, our likes and dislikes.... and about death. It was during these talks that my father expressed his regrets about missing out on 23 years of my life. He told me of the talk my maternal grandfather had with him that day so long ago...the talk I already knew of....and he told me how he regretted being so easily influenced in his youth and taking "the easy way out". He told me of his marriage to his second wife and the two sons that had resulted of that union.

So began the relationship with my father.

We kept in touch over the years....letters, cards, emails and the rare phone call. I got to meet his second wife through these means...she expressed her regrets for her part in keeping my father and I apart.

It was his wife that called a few months ago to give me the news of dad's cancer diagnosis.....lung, liver and spine. The prognosis was poor she said. The doctors did a biopsy of one of the liver lesions and were doing radiation treatments on the tumor in his spine, while they couldn't get their shit together enough to decide which was the primary site of the cancer......where it all began. I could have told them in 2 seconds what it took them 6 weeks or so to agree upon. It started in his lung.

They began chemo....dad couldn't tolerate the treatments...they almost killed him with them. They changed his "chemo cocktail", different drugs, lower dosages....he tolerated this much better. It still wasn't easy, but it was better than the first round of chemo. "Three months of this and then we'll do more scans to see if it is working" they said. We all "hold our breath" and pray. Dad and I kept in touch during this time through infrequent emails..he was in too sick and in too much pain most of the time to sit at the computer; but, he tried to check once a week to see if I, or one of my half brothers, had written. We even spoke on the phone once during this time. It was good to hear his voice again.

Dad called me on Christmas Day. We chatted a bit....and he told me he loved me and that he had just wanted to hear my voice one more time.

It was good to hear his voice again.

It was his wife that called me the other night.

She called to tell me that my father had died.

The chemo hadn't worked.

The PET scan showed the cancer had spread everywhere: pelvis, intestines, lungs, liver, spine......it was throughout his body.

Dad stopped the pointless treatments and they arranged in home hospice.

He lived one more week.

It would be good to hear his voice again.

Rest well dad......rest well.

Bum...

I've been a bum today.

I've done nothing that I "should" have done.

I've really done nothing.

I've played on the computer, I've had lunch, I've fed the cats (again), I've looked at the dishes waiting to be washed...but I've not washed them. I've just not wanted to do a damned thing today. I've just wanted to be a bum.

Does it make me a bad person to not want to do the things I should do? I usually do all the things I should do. I stay busy doing the things I should do...and never seem to do the things I really want to. I stay busy doing all kinds of things for everyone but me...not that I regret caring for others..I don't. I love my family and I love doing things for them...but sometimes......sometimes, I just want to do nothing...or something for me.

It makes me tired....

Thinking of all this should, shouldn't, want.

My morning: get out of bed, feed 2 cats, feed one dog, fill the kettle, set out 2 cups, walk dog, turn on 2 computers, wash hair, prepare my tea.

His morning: get up, splash water on face, shave.

Now...ALL of my things are done, completely finished, before he even finishes shaving. Oh, I can hear you saying: "well it takes time to shave." No. No it doesn't when you have a BEARD.

So what's wrong with this picture? Why can I do 8 to 10 things each morning BEFORE he even finishes splashing water on his face and shaving?

Long time....

Long time since last I was here......

ah well...life gets in the way....

How sad, and how damaging to one's self esteem is this?

Today I was going to have lunch with my sister and one of her friends...I wanted to look nice...I showered, did my hair and I even put on make-up (for a change!). I wore a shirt that is positively "boobalicious" and that looks absolutely fabulous on me. I paired that up with some cute capris, my beaded flips and a pair of my "I made these!" earrings. I looked nice.....no......I looked DAMNED NICE! I was lookin' some kind of good! I was lookin' soooooo good...my husband even noticed and commented on how pretty I looked. COOL!!!!! He doesn't usually notice...I musta been looking REALLY DAMNED FINE! lol! Now that part is all good; I felt fine and dandy. Even felt good about myself and my looks (for a change...yes, I DO have self-esteem issues). I felt so good, I thought it might be nice to have a bit of "afternoon delight" (surprise hubby and "reward" him for noticing and complimenting me)!

I have lunch, I have a nice time, I enjoy myself (still feelin' good here); my sister, her friend and I finish lunch and sis and I head back to her house where hubby (mine) is keeping the kiddies so we could go do this lunch thing. All is still good....for now.

Hubby and I head home (I'm still lookin' goooood..still feelin' fine..still thinkin' "reward").....

Hubs heads into the bedroom to change clothes into his "around the house comfy clothes"..typical for him and I thought nothing of it. I follow him to the bedroom, he has his shirt off..I go to him..I kiss him, I kiss him again with a bit more passion, I tell him: "Thank you for telling me I looked pretty today." and I kiss him with *more* passion..I kiss him with A LOT of passion! What does he do? Gives me a hug, a pat on the back, tells me "I love you...now let me finish changing.", which he proceeds to do...............he then says: "Excuse me.", walks around me and leaves the bedroom! He then proceeds to lose himself in his computer, then something on his iTouch, then the television, then dinner, then the news and now a book.........

WTF?!?

I'm lookin' fine (by his own admission), I pretty much *throw* myself at him, rub all up on him.....and he shows *no* interest and walks out. How many kinds of ugly must I be for him to do that?

damn.

that hurt.

that hurt a LOT.

Fabulous Day...............

OH YEAH!

My fabulous day was indeed fabulous. I look forward to future dates.

It was also good to get to hang out for a couple days with my best friend.....we had a large time....stimulated the economy like we had it to spend! LOL! Said, "what the hell, we can't stimulate much else at our age...so might as well do what we *can* do!". We're planning on trying to get together again real soon for another fun weekend.....that and we're trying to plan up a trip to the beach the end of May. WOOT! I *LOVE* the beach!

A Fabulous Day....

That's what I'm going to have soon......very soon. And I am looking forward to it like nobody's business.

I'm also very nervous about it. I'm such a dysfunctional perfectionist. lol! I want to be perfect. I want to not only live up to...but BE...the fantasy. I hope I don't disappoint.

Y'all say a prayer for me ya heah?

A good day...

A good day is when the numbers on the scale are lower in the evening than they were in the morning.

A good day is when I feel energized enough to do a fabulous walk.

Its a good day when I get to talk to "my special someone"...and its a GREAT day when I get to hear their voice.

A FABULOUS day would be getting to spend the day with "my special someone".

Gods I want a FABULOUS day!

0:dark:30

I've been up since 4:42 a.m.
Why?
My husband; that's why. He awakened me with a crash, bang, curse word...at 4:42 this morning. He tripped over something...what I don't know. What I *do* know is that he woke me up, knocked over and almost broke a lamp that was my mother's, then made shit loads of noise trying to get the lamp out of wherever it landed (almost breaking it again in the process), then somehow managed to chuck the lampshade and some of the hardware of the lamp onto me, I snapped at him and he snapped at me, I knew it was a lost cause to even think about trying to go back to sleep (for an hour? Why bother....) so I got out of bed...and here I am..up at 0:dark:effing:30 in the effing morning!
I hate mornings.
I especially hate early mornings.
I really hate being rudely awakened early in the morning most of all.
Needless to say, I'm expecting today to be a total shit. Husband is already acting like an asshole and not speaking to me. He went out and cleaned off the windshield at 10 til 6....we have another hour before we leave this morning.
I told him that.
I even said it very nicely.
His response?
Not even a grunt.
So, I know how my day is going to go. I hate days that are like this. I don't need the added stress.

A day off............

Having a "day off", enjoying a cuppa hot tea, hubby cleaning kitchen (GASP!!!! lol. not really..he actually is pretty good about that), playin' on the 'puter and just enjoying a relaxed morning. Going to have my hair cut later today and have a facial...I'm really looking forward to those appointments; I need a little pampering. I deserve a little pampering too.....just because I'm me.

The weekend was a bit rough....Valentine's Day....and it was a "firsty". This was the first Valentine's Day since mom's death. I hadn't remembered that she died after Valentine's last year and it hit kind of hard when Valentine's arrived. I spent a lot of time in tears this weekend. I spent a lot of time in reflection about mom, her death, all the circumstances surrounding her illness and death. And then last night, while watching television...I tripped over death again. There was a scene in the show "Burn Notice" where Michael was leaving his mother's house, his mother said some things about his leaving so soon, how she was thinking about ordering take out for them...and she had this look on her face..and this tone in her voice.................I remember that look...I remember that tone....I remember it from when mom was so sick and in the hospital and I was leaving after a much too short visit because I was so tired at the end of a day. All she wanted was for me to stay a bit and have supper with her. When I told her I was so tired, she got this look on her face...this look of resignation and understanding and sad acceptance. "Michael's" mother got that look too. Mom said: "I know baby, I know. You're so tired. Its been a long day for you and a hard day. Its ok, go on home and rest baby. I'll be ok. I understand. I love you."
Just one meal.
That's so little to ask.
And she knew...she KNEW she was dying.
And all she wanted was a few minutes more with me before she did.
I wish I had stayed.

New Rules

For some reason, some of these just tickled the crap outta me......

I know....

I'm a sick, twisted, psycho bitch.......

Anyhoo..................




New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's
white people's version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule : Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster ?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky b@stards.'

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his @ss will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the @sshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge @sshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your @ss. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good
enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can' t even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to
wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?

Good Day...Tiring...But Good

Good day today...tiring but good. The incoming weather has my fibromyalgia in high gear; I'm glad I have the new med onboard....I'd hate to think how I'd feel without it.

I've been feeling the urge to draw again.........mom's passing and the fibro had that on hold, but, with the new med I'm feeling better, have more energy, more focus and less aches.......so.........I'm wanting to work on art. I have a couple on the drawing boards in rough sketch, now if I could just pick which I want to work on the most and find some extra time in which to work....I'd be all set! All in good time I suppose. At least I'm wanting to draw again!

Not much else happening at the moment. I've decided to continue to put off my rant. I'm still steamed about the situation and I need to cool off a bit more before I talk about it. Beyond that...nada.

And now you know why I'm not a stripper

Name Game - This one is fun!
YOUR REAL NAME:
Birth: T***y W****n.
In school: T***y W****n-G****s
Now: LiLi LaVeau Scarbrough (changed for business purposes)

2.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME:(mother and fathers middle names)
Ann Leonard

3.NASCAR NAME:(first name of your mother's dad, father's dad)
Elwood Wade

4.STAR WARS NAME:(the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name)Scalil

5.DETECTIVE NAME:(favorite color, favorite animal)
Don't have one cat??????

6.SOAP OPERA NAME:(middle name, town where you were born)
Then: Lynn Greenville
Now: LaVeau Greenville

7.SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add "THE" to the beginning)
The don't have one Tea

8.FLY NAME:(first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name)
Ligh

9.STREET NAME:(fav ice cream flavor, fav cookie)
Blueberry Cream Pie White Chunk Macadamia

10. PORN NAME: (1st pet's name, street you grew up on)
I don't remember my first pet's name....and I grew up on many different streets (we moved alot) so I'll just pick at random:
Mittens Meadow

11.YOUR GANGSTA NAME:(first 3 letters of last name plus izzle)
Scaizzle

13.YOUR IRAQI.. NAME:(2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, first two letters of your middle name, last two letters of your first name then last three letters of your last name):
Then: Rllycylis
Now: Ialaliugh

14.YOUR GOTH NAME:(black, and the name of one of your pets)
Black Rue

(Oh lets do them all! lol! Black Bubba, Black Pixel (or Black Pixi), Black Bentley, Black Abbey-Rue)[hmmmmm....Black Pixi doesn't sound half bad.......]

15. STRIPPER NAME: (name of your fav perfume/cologne, fav candy)

I have two (as usual...I am a Gemini you know! hahaha)

Black Amythest Turtles
Indecence Turtles

(now why could I not like a candy with a name like "Sugar Babies", "Heath", "Payday" or "Bit-O-Honey"? They sound sooo much better than "Turtles".)

Not exactly what I wanted

.....but it will have to do for now. I wanted to add a slideshow to my page in the sidebar, but I can't find one that works well and is easy to set up...soooooo...the one in the previous post will have to do for now.

The pics in it are some of my art work.

Another day...........

Up early, had to get up to see if school was in session today....it isn't....'cause...WE GOT SNOW! Not much mind you...but some; and more is supposed to be on the way today, tonight and tomorrow. I know its a pain in the butt for most people, but I love it and I'm sooooo glad my nieces got to have just ONE good snow to see and play in. I hope they get to have one good snow each year they are children and enjoy having them.

In other "news", I have a rant brewing. I won't go into it just yet because I'm still too angry and I want to be a bit calmer before I "let fly". It does, of course, deal yet again with "the ungrateful get" and their action and behaviours. More on that later.....when I'm calmer....trust me..that will be a good thing.

Mom has been on my mind ALOT of late. Well, she's always on my mind...but even more so of late. You see, we're coming up on the 1 year anniversary of her passing. She went into the hospital early January of last year and we never really got her back from that/there and then she died on April 9, 2008. Oh gods I miss her sooooooooo frickin' much! No one can understand that hole in their hearts and life, until they experience it. And no one who has experienced it can explain it to someone who has not. Its hard....its so hard.

The sun is starting to rise now....it is so beautiful on the snow...such a beautiful pinky-peach color which shades the snow to a soft sparkling lavender/white. I wish I could capture it on film or in pastels. Maybe that's what I will do with my day today......draw. It would be good to draw..I haven't done it in so long and I love it.

GRRRRRR.............

Ok, for some reason blogger has decided I cannot respond to comments.....I don't know why....it just won't.

So Lenni:

Ahhhhhh...thank you! I'm normally a hot tea drinker..but I think coffee is called for here. As you can see, it has taken me forever to get back here....just shows how incoherent I've been.

I'll be back in a bit once I get over my frustration with this "issue".

Ugggghhhhhhhhhhhhh......................

I hate getting up early........................

..........but I sure do love my little nieces and they are why I get up at an ungodly hour.

More when I am more coherent.

One foot in front of the other....

That is how I'm getting through the holidays.....the first holidays after my mother's death and the first passage of my mother's birthday after her death; she would have been 67 on the 22nd. It isn't easy..but I'm making it. Halloween - done, Thanksgiving - done, birthday - done, Christmas - done, New Years - marching ever closer and soon to be done. Its hard...really hard....I can't even begin to explain how hard to you. Your mother dying changes your life fundamentally. It changes your life on every level, in ways you could not begin to imagine. It pervades the very essence of your life.....and it leaves giant holes. You "trip over death" when you least expect it and it sends you into a grieving tailspin. People tell you these things about the pain of loss: "It gets better with time", "Time eases the pain".....I don't buy that. I don't think it ever gets better and I don't think it ever "goes away". I think we just learn how to "wall it off" a bit better as time passes and we learn new and stronger coping skills to help us along.....................but it never goes away and you still "trip over death" from time to time for the rest of your life. One foot in front of the other.....one foot in front of the other.

In other news...

My husband's middle child (the one that does not speak to, nor acknowledge, him) got her 3rd degree over the Yuletide. Now, I'm not Wiccan..so I do not speak with authority here in regards to their practices, but from what I've heard and from what I've learned from reading about their practices and beliefs.........she did not deserve it. As a matter of fact, she didn't deserve her 2nd degree either and she almost didn't get it because she has not dealt with the issues with her biological father. I've always thought, and I may be wrong here, that one of the main tenets of the Wiccan faith is to "do no harm"..that you can do what you want so long as you are not causing harm. She is causing harm. She causes harm every single day to her biological father. She caused harm with that little flurry of "poison pen emails" she sent to him a few years back. She causes harm to him by not telling him why she stopped speaking to him and why she continues to not speak to him. I was told that the only reason she did get her 2nd degree was because the lady/Priestess who did her 2nd degree was new and that this degree bestowment was only the Priestess' second time of bestowing a degree. And this priestess told the recipient that she really didn't deserve the 2nd degree she was receiving, but that the priestess was going to give it to her anyway because the priestess didn't want it to look bad on the priestess by denying the degree to the person in question. Now I ask you.....is that right? I don't think it is....I think it is pitiful and a bad representation of the Wiccan faith and ministry. It certainly is not how I teach, train and award advancement.

Ah well, what goes around, comes around.....and if she is a follower of the "Threefold Law"..she better watch out.

Why is it?

Why is it..that when I need my husband's help in the kitchen he is silent as death and nowhere to be found.........and when I don't need his help, he is hip deep up my ass in my way saying, "Do you need any help? Is there anything I can do?"

Now I have told him not to try to unload and re-load the dishwasher when I am in the kitchen trying to cook (tiny kitchen..no room for that shit).....but when I'm just in there cooking and need no help, he is johnny on the spot in my way, but when I do need him..he is as scarce as hen's teeth.


How annoying.