Monday, February 16, 2009

A day off............

Having a "day off", enjoying a cuppa hot tea, hubby cleaning kitchen (GASP!!!! lol. not really..he actually is pretty good about that), playin' on the 'puter and just enjoying a relaxed morning. Going to have my hair cut later today and have a facial...I'm really looking forward to those appointments; I need a little pampering. I deserve a little pampering too.....just because I'm me.

The weekend was a bit rough....Valentine's Day....and it was a "firsty". This was the first Valentine's Day since mom's death. I hadn't remembered that she died after Valentine's last year and it hit kind of hard when Valentine's arrived. I spent a lot of time in tears this weekend. I spent a lot of time in reflection about mom, her death, all the circumstances surrounding her illness and death. And then last night, while watching television...I tripped over death again. There was a scene in the show "Burn Notice" where Michael was leaving his mother's house, his mother said some things about his leaving so soon, how she was thinking about ordering take out for them...and she had this look on her face..and this tone in her voice.................I remember that look...I remember that tone....I remember it from when mom was so sick and in the hospital and I was leaving after a much too short visit because I was so tired at the end of a day. All she wanted was for me to stay a bit and have supper with her. When I told her I was so tired, she got this look on her face...this look of resignation and understanding and sad acceptance. "Michael's" mother got that look too. Mom said: "I know baby, I know. You're so tired. Its been a long day for you and a hard day. Its ok, go on home and rest baby. I'll be ok. I understand. I love you."
Just one meal.
That's so little to ask.
And she knew...she KNEW she was dying.
And all she wanted was a few minutes more with me before she did.
I wish I had stayed.

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